You know what I would like to be? Not a captain of industry, not a professional, not even a minister (however prime it may be). I would like to be a Maoist guerilla. And I do not say this out of principles, convictions, beliefs or disillusionment with system (these would be a good reason to put forth for the consumption of Medha Patkar and her ilk). Rather, its because I see scores of benefits in that profession which are unimaginable in any other.
Now let me justify my contention. The Sabse Bada advantage – profusion of clean air, water and other environs at workplace. Just look around your workplace – re-circulated a/c air, artificial lighting, a workstyle that rewards you with paunches, backaches and soda glasses; I am already green with envy, no pun intended.
Next, lets say you are totally peeved with someone – irritated to such an extent that on any given day, you would give your right arm to strangle him. Now what can you and I do? Well nothing more than gnash our teeth, use a select vocabulary (that would cause even a longshoreman to blush) and then bottle up the anger; or maybe dissipate it over many days and people (poor siblings, offsprings and spouse). But the mighty Maoist, well he can swagger down the road, break a bone or two, and if time and mood permits, snuffle out a life; and then merrily go the green way back to his work place. As a line in a movie goes “Even the police and army has to produce an account of spent bullets; they (Maoists) need answer to no one”.
Not yet ready for conversion? Let me give you still more reasons. How many of us have spoken with our representative (MLA/MP) on equal terms? Forget the equal terms part, how many of us have spoken to “our” representative, exchanged our contact numbers etc? Do I hear shuffling of feet and uncomfortable silence? But if you are a Maoist, you can, safely ensconced in your forest refuge, exchange phone numbers with the Home Minister of the country; maybe even make a fuss about bad reception in the forest and have the service providers erect a separate tower for your communications.
I am sure there must be many converts now, but most of you would have some misgivings – what when we want to “hop the job”? What if we want to settle down, marry and get elected into the assembly and parliament; in short go the next logical step in our career? Do not worry, the GoI, in its enthusiasm to reduce unemployment and make Maoism a viable job provider, has instituted periodic “pardoning sessions”. The sessions are conducted the following way – You and your family (come on, equal representation and gender neutrality was first embraced by the Maoists; when you can have couples in the same company, why not couples in the Maoist movement?) and a smattering of your friends contact the local authorities, con the local MLA/DGP/Collector to meet you at a conference hall, get hold of the ever eager media, make loud announcements and presto, your slate is wiped clean and the society is presented another model citizen to emulate by the powers that be. If only Houdini acts were this good. And the best part of this meeting, the Maoists can also clear their warehouse of all the old guns and ammunition that is so antiquated that only the Indian Police would use it. I challenge anyone to beat, forget beating, atleast match such a customer-centric offer.
I am pretty sure no bigwig reads my blog, but incase this post somehow reaches the right ears, and if those ears have some grey matter between them, may I present to you that even if you are not able to crush the Maoist movement, atleast do not make it so appealing. The software industry could soon take a big hit.
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