Know your English

Of late, I have been gaining confidence regarding my language capabilities, in particular, in the English language. The amount of appreciation from various quarters (secret being the “Get paid for Appreciation” policy which has the following slabs – I think this policy deserves a post by itself, and it would get what it deserves.) has enthused me to venture into the world of lexicography. Let me today discuss some of the words commonly misunderstood by us, Indians.


Note: The list below would not contain any of the phonetic crap, details about which part of speech it is etc. Refer to plentiful of other dictionaries for those.

So here are words for today:

Youth: Now this is one politically loaded word. Don’t get it? Would you consider a 40 year old adult in the prime of his youth? Before you blurt out a big “NO”, let me tell you the 40 year old I am referring to is the Youth Congress leader, the youthful Rahul Gandhi. So I (a lad of 28 summers) may be referred to as an “uncle” by the kids next door, but this guy, whose age is 8 years short of my mother’s, is young. Talk of discrimination!! Now to some frequently asked questions:

Q: What if I am a Gandhi and less than 40 years?


A: Hey, you are a kiddo; go back to your mom’s lap


Q: What if I am a Gandhi aged more greater than 40?


A: Take a picture of yourself today. Once Rahul reaches the age you are today, check out if he is referred to as in “prime of youth”. If he is (which he most probably will be), you can caption the picture “Still Young Mr/Ms Gandhi”


Q: What if I am not a Gandhi?


A: You are Not a Gandhi!!! Who cares whether you are young or not. Buzz of, don’t waste my time. Some nerve these non Gandhis have!!

Conclusion: Meaning of the term "Youth" in India depends on the person you are referrnig to.

News: Anything that a newsmaker does. Example of news:

• Obama bumped into a wall, got a painful bump


• DSP’s dog gone missing


• Mr. Amitab has cold; caught sneezing.

Now don’t ask what makes a person, a newsmaker.

Murder: The act of terminating another human’s life with malafide intentions. However the definition has caveats:

• Caveat 1: If the murder is committed by a cricketer, its termed road rage


• Caveat 2: If the murder is committed by a cop, its an act to protect the sovereignty of the country


• Caveat 3: If the murder is committed by a landlord, its business as usual


• Caveat 4: If the murder is committed by a naxal, its an act of misguided youth that would be pardoned. Further, the said individual would be paid ludicrous amount once he owns up the act.


• Caveat 5: If the murder is committed by a politician …. Hey come on now, what’s new in that!

Terrorism: Defined as a single act that causes multiple murders. Another definition would be – Terrorism is murder that government doesn’t want to bring to book. Of late, this has been getting dyed. Again there are caveats to this definition too.

• Caveat 1: If it is committed by the US, its fight against terror. Can the US ever be wrong?


• Caveat 2: If it is committed by Israel, it’s an act of self defense; even if the threat was a kid waving a twig at an armoured tank. After all, Israel has to extract revenge for 6 million deaths, how can they if they try to be just every time?


• Caveat 3: If it is committed by Kashmiri separatists, it is an expression of self determination.


• Over ruling caveat: Any act done by a coloured/bearded/conservatively dressed individual that displaces even an atom of oxygen in a 50 mile radius of an American is an act of terror. This Caveat supersedes all the caveats explicitly mentioned or implied.

Good: You thought anything that is righteous, just and truthful is good, right? Loser!!!

In today’s dictionaries, good is defined as anything that is aligned to the US interest. 5000 Americans killed – that’s terrorism. A million Afgans killed by US to protect its “interests” – that’s an act of extreme goodness. Buckle up dude, you have a lot to learn.

Bad: This is the only word whose definition hasn’t changed over time. Bad still remains defined as the opposite of good. But with Obama stating things like “Outsourcing is bad” when it has really helped the US companies, lexicographers world over are readying themselves to an imminent change in this definition also.